God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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