he shaved USA in his pubs
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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