You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
