Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
