Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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