Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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