True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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