So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
