The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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