i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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