I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we're making bets on your personal life
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
