my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
