In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
