seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
