Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
