i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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