i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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