it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
