I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
