I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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