Sorry, I don't speak sober.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
