I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
