And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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