they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
