Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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