Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You had me at "let me see your balls"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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