Your mouth is God's brothel.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
