I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
