Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
