I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He felt like a one man threesome
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
