i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize