im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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