True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
