Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
