dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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