and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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