yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
