You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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