one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
