My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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