Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
