Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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