mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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