It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
