Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
