omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
