A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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