Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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