GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize