Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
