Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
