Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
