Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we're making bets on your personal life
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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