I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize