I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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