dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
