Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
