She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
