We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
